The last boss

Out of ammo and out of lives and out of credits.

Though my damage is low, if you fall, I will stand over your body and begin to fight where you ended.

In the blood. In the mud.

Until they bring me down.

Elizabeth Gilbert -

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.

— Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia

I knew that there were no guarantees;

No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.

What did it feel like, I wondered, to love someone that much? So much that you couldn't even control yourself when they came close, as if you might just break free of whatever was holding you and throw yourself at them with enough force to easily overwhelm you both. I had to wonder, but he clearly knew: you could see it, feel it coming off him, like a heat. I almost envied him that. Almost.

- This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold

Your head on my chest; I'm tracing crop circles into your skull.

I wonder if you can hear my heart. You say it's beating "I love you, I love you"

That may be true, but I think it's saying "Don't leave me, don't leave me"

because everyone always does - and I'd like you to stay.

♥

My heart bleeds the darkest blood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pGQR9Q5oPg

I have to let you die.

I have to let you fade.

So spare me the male accusations.

I would have told you those things you wanted to hear,

And I would have cared,

The way you thought no one ever would.

And now my heart bleeds cold.

I refuse to be caressed by stone.

I now live emotionless and free from your pain.

My heart bleeds the darkest blood.

My heart is cold as stone.

A rock feels no pain.

No laughter. No loving. No contact.

- Shai Hulud

I need

a change before I self-destruct.

Why does it seem like things are never going to get better?

American Gods

I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not.

I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectable, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.

I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.

I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste.

I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds.

I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.

I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.

I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.

I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too.

I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.

I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

— Neil Gaiman

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I felt, that night, on that stage, under that skull, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone.

I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live.

What exactly made it worth it?

What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming?

What's so great about feeling and dreaming?

— Jonathan Safran Foer

Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture

Starved for affection, terrified of abandonment, I began to wonder if sex was really just an excuse to look deeply into another human being's eyes.

— Douglas Coupland

A million little pieces.

I close my eyes and I let my body shut itself down and I let my mind wander. It wanders to a familiar place. A place I don’t talk about or acknowledge exists. A place where there is only me. A place that I hate. I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind. Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People. Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness. I am alone in my horror. Alone in my horror. I don’t want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. . . More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn’t alone.

— James Frey

The captain is out to lunch and the sailors have taken over the ship.

We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death. They don't honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can't hear it. Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die.

- Charles Bukowski

Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it from you.

I am a complete commitment-phobe. I do this thing where I pretend like I am not. I really like to pick guys that are emotionally unavailable because then that way I can blame them for things not working when inside it was me and I knew it and sabotaged it. I really deep deep deep deep down in my black little heart I want someone to reach in and make it warm. But, as soon as you pay attention to me I will hate you.
I am fucked up. Honestly, don’t like me. I will ruin you. I don’t want to. But, I will. It bothers me because I don’t want to be like that.

Random facts about yours truly.

- I was born in Europe and have never met my real parents. This never used to bother me, but lately I've found myself growing more curious about my roots. I haven't decided if I want to actually meet them though.

- If I could do anything I wanted to do and not have to worry about making a living – it would be travel, write, take photographs, read, meet new people, learn about new things, and get a massage every day.

- I have been to more places than 99% of the people I know. I plan on travelling the world one day and consider myself extremely lucky that I have been able to see so many things.

- I spent my March break at Disney World for 8 consecutive years.

- I have the most ridiculous sleeping pattern. Meaning, I usually never sleep. But then I go through phases and just sleep 24/7. This is probably super healthy.

- I rarely remember my dreams. This has not always been the case.

- I cannot and will not function without a cup of coffee in the morning.

- I never eat breakfast, and I hate just about all breakfast foods. Minus crepes, and waffles. Even pancakes if they're mixed with something good like chocolate chips. If I eat too early my stomach gets super irritated and I feel like crap for the rest of the day.

- I can't eat mint ice cream because it reminds me of toothpaste.

- I hate tomatoes. I mean, I really hate them and I can't understand why on earth anyone eats them.

- I love baking. Usually for other people. I like decorating cupcakes more than eating them.

- I don't take medication for headaches or anything else.

- I have never had a "Beatles phase". There is no "phase". There is just one long continuous obsession. I have listened to the Beatles almost constantly throughout my entire life, with no let-up. Since Brooke and I discovered "Sgt. Pepper" in 5th grade.

- In kindergarten, I recited the lyrics of "American Pie" in their entirety for Show and Tell.

- I'm obsessed with text messages. I text more than any one person should.

- I actually HATE talking on the phone. My conversations never last any more than a minute. Mainly because I just don't care to hear what people have to say. There is only one person in this entire world that I have ever found I enjoy having a telephone conversation with.

- I want to learn how to skateboard. This stems from my obsession with the video game "Skate" and my belief that the tricks I can perform in this game, can be replicated by myself in real life. Christ air anyone?

- I own just about every Disney, Shirley Temple and Mary Kate & Ashley movie ever made. You're jealous.

- It really irritates me when people don't use proper grammar, or spell OBVIOUS words incorrectly. At this age, there is no excuse.

- I have a love/hate relationship with the non-word "irregardless". If someone says it to be funny, then it makes me laugh. If someone says it out of ignorance, then I hate that.

- I literally chase rainbows. I try to photograph them whenever I can. When it rains and gets sunny quickly, then I'm looking for them.

- I love the supernatural. I sometimes visit historic sights with my camera in the hopes of catching something on film.

- Sometimes I randomly break out into song when the mood strikes. This generally creates different responses from people.

- I push people away once they get "too close" to me.

- I like to think I'm a good judge of character. But I have the worst luck with guys. The only serious relationship I have ever had ended terribly and since then I have had the worst issues with trust. I'm still trying to get over it.

- When I was younger, I wanted to join the Peace Corps. I still do.

- I would like to write a novel one day.

- I have an irrational fear of birds, snakes, and insects. Although I'm pretty sure my fear of birds has something to do with being attacked by one as a child. I have a scar above my eye to prove it.

- That said, I have the most bizzare scars and stories to go along with them.

- I have been contemplating giving up meat on moral grounds but am not sure I have the will power to make it happen.

- I have been dancing since I was 3 years old. I recently stopped due to my arthritis, but am hoping to get back into it soon. And yes, I have arthritis. I'm 90 years old.

- I have broken both of my big toes. Both from dance.

- I don’t have stage fright. I have spent more time collectively on stage than anywhere else. You can consider that weird, but it's just normal to me.

- Laughing is one of my favorite things IN THE WORLD. I can almost ALWAYS laugh. Always. It is the way I cope with…everything, really. Even at my most depressive, sad, horrible, angry times, I can laugh or find the funny somewhere. It’s just my nature and I am extremely grateful for it. It’s gotten me through some really tough times

- There is very little about me that is fussy, organized or methodical. I do not have a logical mind. Like, AT ALL. I SUCK at math, mechanical reasoning, etc. because of it. I do not vacuum in an orderly fashion. I have no qualms cutting into the middle of a cake. Cupboard doors can be left open, the dishwasher can get loaded however, as long as it’s loaded. I have no super method for folding towels. My mother said that when I was a child I would walk over to a stack of washcloths, pull one out of the middle, have half of the stack fall over and just walk away. I am the product of very Type A anal parents with an amazing work ethic. I have no idea where the hell I came from, actually.

- I'm obsessed with sushi and could eat it every day.

- I want to get my motorcycle license.

- I want to get my gun license.

- I never drive the speed limit. Ever.

- Family Guy makes me laugh like a hyena. I think it's the funniest show ever.

- I'm a big fan of alphabetizing stuff. I realize that makes me kind of weird.

- I crave a McDonalds Double Quarter Pounder (no cheese) every time I am hung over.

- I honestly believe that men and women can be friends without agendas. 90% of my friends are of the male gender, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just find they're so much easier to get along with. Girls are fucked.

- The more you persuade me to do something; the more I will not do it. If you’re stubborn, I can be ten times more stubborn than you are.

- I forged dozens upon dozens of fake notes in highschool. Especially in my last semester of grade 12. School was simply not fun for me, so I never went.

Vulnerable

Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in
Because it's cold outside, it's cold outside
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
Because it's cold inside, it's cold inside

And your slowly shaking finger tips
Show that you're scared like me, so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care

Tell me, tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible

Dear Brooke,

I'm missing you more and more each day.
A part of me died with you in that car, and I will never be the same.
I sit here thinking of all the things I wish I could have said to you; like how greatful I am for having known such an incredible woman, or how you didn't deserve to be taken from us so soon. You had so much potential, and so much to give the world.
I wish I could thank you for all the ways you've shaped me into the person I am today.
You have been a constant in my life.
And with everything that has been going on lately, it was good to have someone like you to turn to.
After all these years, and all the things we have been through.. it's going to be hard to let go.
I don't want to let go.

They say the good die young. This is proof.

I love you more than words could ever express.
Rest In Peace
8.23.86 - 4.19.09

I miss.. this feeling

And then I walked out onto the stage for the first time in my life. The light. The light is so bright that all that remains is you and the darkness.
You can feel the audience breathing. It's like holding a gun or standing on a precipice and knowing you must jump.
It feels slow and fast. It's like dying and being born and fucking and crying. It's like falling in love and being utterly alone with God; you taste your own mouth and feel your own skin and I knew I was alive and I knew who I was, and that that wasn't who I'd been up till then.
I'd never been so far away, but I knew I was home. I know everything, I thought.
I knew I'd never leave and I never have.

Honey and the moon

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game
You would call; I'd call you back
And then I'd leave
A message
On your answering machine

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives
Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust
Without A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives
Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We got too much time to kill
Like pigeons on my windowsill
We hang around
Ever since I've been with you
You hold me up
All the time I've falling down

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

♥

Speechless.

This can't be real.






Tell me this isn't real.

And it's you that makes me try

The summer dreams behind the eye
And it's the sleep that makes me alive
The sudden ease when you arrive
And it's you that makes me try

AH!

10 more days!
I'm so unbelievably excited.
♥

This weekend!

Toronto tomorrow with my best girl friends! Then partying in Markham for the night with the boys from Days fuckin' Fade and The Fitzpatrick Incident.
Couldn't be more stoked!







We baked them the most delicious treats.

April 10th isn't coming soon enough. Miss you, miss you, miss you, really wanna kiss you.

Please understand..

This isn't just goodbye. This is I can't stand you.

My bucket list, thus far.

1. Learn a new language. And then another.
2. Quit smoking for good.
3. Get a job, save money.
4. Move to Los Angeles
5. Hawaii
6. Fiji
7. Get blazed in Amsterdam.
8. Own a real designer handbag.
9. Spend at least $300 on a pair of shoes.
10. Find biological parents.
11. Learn to surf.
12. Backpack through Europe.
13. Fall deeply in love. Helplessly and unconditionally.
14. Blow off all holidays for an entire year.
15. See all of America’s National Parks and go whitewater rafting in the Grand Canyon.
16. Learn to love eating healthy.
17 Learn to be totally honest even when it pisses people off.
18. Visit Africa, spend a couple days at the Giraffe Manor in Kenya. Go on a wildlife safari.
19. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.
20. Snorkel in Bermuda.
21. Spend New Year's Eve in Times Square.
22. Go to a Broadway show.
23. Visit Peru. Go to Machu Picchu, fly over the Nazca Lines, then fly to Rapa Nui from Cuzco to see the Moai.
24. Visit Iguazu Falls.
25. Spend Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
26. Take an Alaskan Cruise.
27. See the Northern Lights.
28. Visit Thailand, Nepal and Tibet. Ride an elephant.
29. Visit the Egyptian pyramids and the Sphinx. Ride a camel.
30. Go up in a hot air balloon.
31. See Volcanoes National Park, Akaka Falls State Park.
32. Skydive.
33. Eat Sushi in Japan.
34. Ride in a gondola in Venice.
35. Cruise the Greek Isles.
36. Walk on the Great Wall of China.
37. Stay a night in Dracula's Castle.
38. Fly a plane.
39. Conquer my fear of small enclosed spaces.
40. Drive a Shelby Mustang.
41. Spend a whole day eating junk food without feeling guilty.
42. Send a message in a bottle.
43. Be someone's mentor.
44. See a lunar eclipse.
45. Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich.
46. Spend a whole day reading a great book.
47. Drive the Autobahn.
48. Write a novel.
49. Drive across America from coast to coast.
50. Learn to play a musical instrument with some degree of skill.
51. Visit Tanzania, climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.
52. Run a marathon.
53. Participate in a protest.
54. Capture a great moment on camera.
55. Write a thank you letter to someone who influenced me.
56. Create a budget and stick to it.
57. Start a garden from scratch.
58. Have a walk-in closet.
59. Fire a gun.
60. Find something to smile about every day.
61. Take a year off to travel and do charity work.
62. Swim with sharks.
63. Look for witches in Salem.
64. Go somewhere where the sun never sets (Antarctica)
65. Have a job I love that allows me a lot of time off to travel.
66. Save a life.
67. Look like a goddess in short shorts at 50 yrs.
68. Be a sexy and active until at least 90 yrs.
69. Do something no one else has ever done.
70. Fall in love with a baby orangutan while volunteering at a orangutan rehab center in Asia.
71. See a performance of the Imperial Russian Ballet - in Russia.
72. Do more, take less.
73. Have it all.
74. Attend a fashion show in Milan.
75. Shop in Rodeo Drive.
76. Learn to drive stick shift.
77. Find a four leaf clover.
78. Learn how to hot wire a car.
79. Go to at least 50 different zoos. (2/50)
80. Decorate an entire wall with fortunes from fortune cookies.
81. Learn how to pick locks.
82. Go on an archaeological dig.

I will add more things as I think of them.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...

You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close.
You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.

I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

Tr000th.

"Our lives are not as limited as we think they are. The world is a wonderfully weird place. Consensual reality is significantly flawed. No institution can be trusted, but love does work. All things are possible, and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously."

— Tom Robbins

Just so you know..

The sight of you breaks my heart.

These butterflies in my stomach, they could bring me to my knees.

Work tomorrow (today) is going to be HELL.



Tonight was so worth it.

In a nutshell.

- Bought sick new flannel at West 49
- $200 closer to buying my CrackBerry and sending/recieving the cutest picture msgs all day long :)
- Run DMC and poppers own my life
- My best friend is better than yours
- So stoked on tonight
- The butterflies in my stomach are extreme right now
- Go cry about it

One more thing..

Sagittarius Horoscope for March 14, 2009

You encounter people now who are very considerate, understanding and nonjudgmental. You are also likely to form relationships with people based on a deep level of mutual appreciation and understanding for each other. You are in touch with your more sensitive, spiritual qualities, and you are able to express a greater level of sensitivity and greater empathy than usual.


Wellness: 66%

Intellect: 72%

Love: 77%

Emotions: 75%

Intuition: 91%

Creativity: 80%

Work: 48%

Money: 73%







HAHAHAHAHA. Too fucking funny.

You know..

It's kind of hard to forget you.. when your dental records are imprinted on my fucking lip.

:@


FUCK.

My dearest Joel,

"There are no goodbye's. Just see ya later's."



MISS YOU/LOVE YOU!

I'm letting you go.

"I went to a tattoo parlor and had yes written onto the palm of my left hand, and no onto my right palm. What can I say? It hasn't made my life wonderful, its made life possible. When I rub my hands against each other in the middle of winter I am warming myself with the friction of yes and no. When I clap my hands I am showing my appreciation through the uniting and parting of yes and no. I signify "book" by peeling open my hands, every book, for me, is the balance of yes and no, even this one, my last one, especially this one.
Does it break my heart? Of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of.
I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent. I never thought about things at all. Everything changed.
The distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go.
Is ignorance bliss? I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me? To what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think. I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

- Jonathan Safran Foer

I finally realized, there is no reason for me to feel this way. I deserve to be happy.
I don't deserve all the heartache I've been getting.
All this time I have been letting people convince me otherwise.
Now I'm taking my life back into my own hands.
I'm eliminating those who have done me wrong, who have broken my heart, who have been careless with my emotions.
As much as it hurts right now, it will get better.
It has to get better.

I have faith.


It's time to let go..

Roald Dahl

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you; because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

My struggles: An impulsive woman.

"We are completely unaware that nearly every action is dictated by compulsion, with little or no freedom of choice"
- T.I. Rubin M.D




Sometimes the inside does not match the outside;

On the surface I am a happy, fufilled, fun-loving young woman that has a zest for life.
In reality, I live a driven, pain-filled life, It would seem that I freely choose to live this way.

The things that are killing me now,
are things that I so unawarely do to myself.

I act out every decision of my life immediatley and impulsively without consideration of the consequences.

I bear invisable scars that hurt still, just enough, so that I look for "ease of pain" in all of the wrong places.

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of humankind.

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.

I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of people.
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.

I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.


This has been my life;
and I have found it worth living.

You are the dark ocean bottom, and I am the fast sinking anchor. Should I fall for you?

I can't help but feel like this is probably a bad idea. But tonight I found myself truly smiling again. It was legitimate. And it felt good.





"You can't fall out of love with someone, until you fall into something else."

I don't know how true that statement is, but I think I'm willing to find out.

Ode to the nice girl.

This is my tribute to the nice girls.

To the nice girls who are overlooked. Who become friends and nothing more. Who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong.

This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date. Who don't want to play mind games. Who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times.

This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either. For the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe.. Maybe this time he'll have understood.

This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention.

This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds."

This is to honour those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt.

This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This is for the girls who have to pretend it doesn't hurt because she knows that even though her friends say "you're better off without him" or "he doesn't deserve you", she knows that their words were from the heart, but they don't mend hers.

This is for the girl who poured her heart into something hoping he'd realize how much he meant to her and how much she meant to him, only to discover that she meant nothing to him all along.

This is for the girl who had followed her heart, threw away her inhibitions, thought she had triumphed over all the obstacles, only to find out that her Prince Charming had returned to his "ex-princess".

This is for all the nights she listened to every song they heard together, replayed all the times he told her he loved her, looked at every picture they had together, and thought if only she could figure out the exact moment she lost him.

This is for all the times she had told herself to be strong and let it go, only to find herself calling her bestfriend at 3 in the morning to tell her she thinks she's going crazy because he won't get out of her mind.

This is for all the bestfriends who never faltered to try and pick up their friends from off the floor to give them a hug they know they need.

This is for the countless nights they stayed up together trying to find an explanation for a "true love" gone wrong. This is for how bad it hurt coming up with no conclusion.

This is for the girl who swore to never let anyone hurt her that bad again, only to find herself falling for someone who poured salt on that wound.

For the girl who needed someone there for her after a bad break up, only to discover that months into it, he had hurt her and used her more than she had been with the previous.

This is for the many times he had walked back into her life and left, just as quick.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.

This is for the ' I really like you, so let's still be friends ' comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended.
This is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those who make you cry yourself to sleep.

This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy.

This is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that night, the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something.

This is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted.

This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little, and who have learned never to expect anything more.
For the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over his ex, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room, him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made.

Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games that girls love to keep them hanging.

Yet men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, compelling, interesting, intelligent, sweet and beautiful and smart girls.. Were you to give her your number and wait for her to call.. And if you were to receive a call from her the next day, and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting, and worth her time, and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend; Would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the ' stalker child ' you'd met the night prior? Who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth?

And would or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this 'nice girl' who you just cannot seem to find?

Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere.

But you're not looking for a nice girl.

You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the look out for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take.

Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing-- we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing:
"This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a tee-shirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hung-over best friend breakfast. See through my disguise. See me."

You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances.

You don't want the nice girl... So don't say you're looking for a relationship. Relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend-- but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running, they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy targets... The nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that race to watch and all the chocolate we can eat.

You know who you are.

I find it extremely pathetic that creating drama just so happens to be your favourite past time.
Like I said, just keep my name out of your mouth and we will have no problem.
I know that seems impossible, but I assure you.. It isn't!

You claim that you're so sick of everyone involving you in their drama, yet you fail to realize that you (and you alone) involve yourself.
And no matter how far I go to try and avoid you, somehow word always gets back to me that once again, you're running your mouth.
Just incase you didn't understand when I said this the first time: The world doesn't revolve around you, and you have no right to go and try to make someone else's personal affairs your own.
Not only does my life not concern you, I have made it clear that I do not want you to be a part of it. It would be awesome if you could respect my wishes and go fuck yourself!

You are the most annoying person I have ever met, and at this point I want to rip your face off.







In conclusion, please disappear.
The sight of you actually makes me want to throw up.

I can't be your prisoner.

When you said you loved me, did you really love me or did the words just spill out like drool on my pillow? ‘Cause I was naked when you said those words, but I felt covered in your whispered worship. And as you passed out fast on my shoulder, I imagined a child waiting so sad and still for his mom to arrive. Did she leave you an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? Said, “ Don’t you move a muscle, kid, I’ll be back in twenty years,” You were scared, you were lonely, but you must’ve been aware; life is a series of calluses, this is just another layer. So, build’em up, tough it out, yeah, that’s your skin – don’t let anyone under there.

When you said you needed me, did you really need me or was it just someone – oh, you’d take anything. Am I first on that list of yours, or am I second, or third? So, who’s that ahead of me, some harlot from Pittsburgh? Or Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego? I know you’re so alone, but how much affection does one guy really need?

Did you date a lot in high school? Were you always chasing girls? Couldn’t you find some young valentine to steal your heart for good? Were you content, or contemptible? Are your memories pleasant, or is it a string of endless flings of bitter resentment. Seems that what you want and what you need doesn’t mean a thing, we’re just here for the taking.

When you said you’d hurt me, did you think you hurt me? Are you really that cocky? Oh, what a heartbreaker! Well, I’ve got my armor – yeah, I’ve been through some battles before – and I met your old girlfriend, she said, “Baby, don’t bother.” She told me you told her you’d hurt her….funny, how familiar. So, how much of this relationship was rehearsed?

Did you act out as a child? Were you always crying wolf? Attention-starved, you tried too hard to get someone to look. Now you’re the wolf in second-hand clothing; I’m the sheep in a pleated skirt. It’s an awkward form of payback, but if it works for you – it works. It’s that I recognize your off-white lies, still, I lie beside you – and that’s what really hurts.

When you said you’d leave me…well, why haven’t you left me? What are we still doing here, so desperate for company? There’s a greyhound on Jackson Street, there’s an airport in Council Bluffs…hell, there’s a car in the driveway – fifty ways to get lost.

But as I hold you and listen to you sleeping, I’m starting to wonder if I really believe that you’d ever really leave. Would you leave me an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? The one you’ve lugged around from town to town for all these years.

It’s the trophy of your childhood, like a shark’s tooth or gator skin boots – but this one holds you prisoner – it holds me prisoner too.

What we need to set us free is to let go of each other – let go of everything.

When I said I loved you, it was because I loved you. When I said I needed you, well, I really need you. Yeah, I guess you hurt me, for once you’re a man of your words. Well, guess what – I’m leaving – I can’t be your prisoner.

FYI.

I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career.

I've got a perfectly normal heart. Bruised and broken from within.

Sometimes I wonder if anything is absolute anymore.
Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies?
Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey?
Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, because we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill




I honestly wonder if the truth even exists anymore. It seems to me, that people will only say the things they think you want to hear.
But I have come to realize just how destructive false hope can be.
It ruins romances, friendships, relationships. Anything you might have held so dear to you.
And it sucks.
To hang on someone's every word only to realize that their verson of the "truth" really was just negotiable, left to interpretation, grey.
This all seems like a bad case of Deja Vu.
I wish things didn't work out this way.
But my heart doesn't deserve to feel so broken.

Insomnia.

I hate how I can never seem to fall asleep at a decent hour.
Perhaps it's because my head is constantly full of questions. Questions to which I long for answers.
They say ignorance is bliss, but I'm really not so sure.










I'm afraid I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep to themselves for good reason.
Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you?
Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them?
It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to.

- Henry Rollins

First

I'm new at this.
But lately I seem to have far too much on my mind..