This weekend!

Toronto tomorrow with my best girl friends! Then partying in Markham for the night with the boys from Days fuckin' Fade and The Fitzpatrick Incident.
Couldn't be more stoked!







We baked them the most delicious treats.

April 10th isn't coming soon enough. Miss you, miss you, miss you, really wanna kiss you.

Please understand..

This isn't just goodbye. This is I can't stand you.

My bucket list, thus far.

1. Learn a new language. And then another.
2. Quit smoking for good.
3. Get a job, save money.
4. Move to Los Angeles
5. Hawaii
6. Fiji
7. Get blazed in Amsterdam.
8. Own a real designer handbag.
9. Spend at least $300 on a pair of shoes.
10. Find biological parents.
11. Learn to surf.
12. Backpack through Europe.
13. Fall deeply in love. Helplessly and unconditionally.
14. Blow off all holidays for an entire year.
15. See all of America’s National Parks and go whitewater rafting in the Grand Canyon.
16. Learn to love eating healthy.
17 Learn to be totally honest even when it pisses people off.
18. Visit Africa, spend a couple days at the Giraffe Manor in Kenya. Go on a wildlife safari.
19. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.
20. Snorkel in Bermuda.
21. Spend New Year's Eve in Times Square.
22. Go to a Broadway show.
23. Visit Peru. Go to Machu Picchu, fly over the Nazca Lines, then fly to Rapa Nui from Cuzco to see the Moai.
24. Visit Iguazu Falls.
25. Spend Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
26. Take an Alaskan Cruise.
27. See the Northern Lights.
28. Visit Thailand, Nepal and Tibet. Ride an elephant.
29. Visit the Egyptian pyramids and the Sphinx. Ride a camel.
30. Go up in a hot air balloon.
31. See Volcanoes National Park, Akaka Falls State Park.
32. Skydive.
33. Eat Sushi in Japan.
34. Ride in a gondola in Venice.
35. Cruise the Greek Isles.
36. Walk on the Great Wall of China.
37. Stay a night in Dracula's Castle.
38. Fly a plane.
39. Conquer my fear of small enclosed spaces.
40. Drive a Shelby Mustang.
41. Spend a whole day eating junk food without feeling guilty.
42. Send a message in a bottle.
43. Be someone's mentor.
44. See a lunar eclipse.
45. Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich.
46. Spend a whole day reading a great book.
47. Drive the Autobahn.
48. Write a novel.
49. Drive across America from coast to coast.
50. Learn to play a musical instrument with some degree of skill.
51. Visit Tanzania, climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.
52. Run a marathon.
53. Participate in a protest.
54. Capture a great moment on camera.
55. Write a thank you letter to someone who influenced me.
56. Create a budget and stick to it.
57. Start a garden from scratch.
58. Have a walk-in closet.
59. Fire a gun.
60. Find something to smile about every day.
61. Take a year off to travel and do charity work.
62. Swim with sharks.
63. Look for witches in Salem.
64. Go somewhere where the sun never sets (Antarctica)
65. Have a job I love that allows me a lot of time off to travel.
66. Save a life.
67. Look like a goddess in short shorts at 50 yrs.
68. Be a sexy and active until at least 90 yrs.
69. Do something no one else has ever done.
70. Fall in love with a baby orangutan while volunteering at a orangutan rehab center in Asia.
71. See a performance of the Imperial Russian Ballet - in Russia.
72. Do more, take less.
73. Have it all.
74. Attend a fashion show in Milan.
75. Shop in Rodeo Drive.
76. Learn to drive stick shift.
77. Find a four leaf clover.
78. Learn how to hot wire a car.
79. Go to at least 50 different zoos. (2/50)
80. Decorate an entire wall with fortunes from fortune cookies.
81. Learn how to pick locks.
82. Go on an archaeological dig.

I will add more things as I think of them.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...

You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close.
You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.

I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

Tr000th.

"Our lives are not as limited as we think they are. The world is a wonderfully weird place. Consensual reality is significantly flawed. No institution can be trusted, but love does work. All things are possible, and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously."

— Tom Robbins

Just so you know..

The sight of you breaks my heart.

These butterflies in my stomach, they could bring me to my knees.

Work tomorrow (today) is going to be HELL.



Tonight was so worth it.

In a nutshell.

- Bought sick new flannel at West 49
- $200 closer to buying my CrackBerry and sending/recieving the cutest picture msgs all day long :)
- Run DMC and poppers own my life
- My best friend is better than yours
- So stoked on tonight
- The butterflies in my stomach are extreme right now
- Go cry about it

One more thing..

Sagittarius Horoscope for March 14, 2009

You encounter people now who are very considerate, understanding and nonjudgmental. You are also likely to form relationships with people based on a deep level of mutual appreciation and understanding for each other. You are in touch with your more sensitive, spiritual qualities, and you are able to express a greater level of sensitivity and greater empathy than usual.


Wellness: 66%

Intellect: 72%

Love: 77%

Emotions: 75%

Intuition: 91%

Creativity: 80%

Work: 48%

Money: 73%







HAHAHAHAHA. Too fucking funny.

You know..

It's kind of hard to forget you.. when your dental records are imprinted on my fucking lip.

:@


FUCK.

My dearest Joel,

"There are no goodbye's. Just see ya later's."



MISS YOU/LOVE YOU!

I'm letting you go.

"I went to a tattoo parlor and had yes written onto the palm of my left hand, and no onto my right palm. What can I say? It hasn't made my life wonderful, its made life possible. When I rub my hands against each other in the middle of winter I am warming myself with the friction of yes and no. When I clap my hands I am showing my appreciation through the uniting and parting of yes and no. I signify "book" by peeling open my hands, every book, for me, is the balance of yes and no, even this one, my last one, especially this one.
Does it break my heart? Of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of.
I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent. I never thought about things at all. Everything changed.
The distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go.
Is ignorance bliss? I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me? To what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think. I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

- Jonathan Safran Foer

I finally realized, there is no reason for me to feel this way. I deserve to be happy.
I don't deserve all the heartache I've been getting.
All this time I have been letting people convince me otherwise.
Now I'm taking my life back into my own hands.
I'm eliminating those who have done me wrong, who have broken my heart, who have been careless with my emotions.
As much as it hurts right now, it will get better.
It has to get better.

I have faith.


It's time to let go..

Roald Dahl

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you; because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

My struggles: An impulsive woman.

"We are completely unaware that nearly every action is dictated by compulsion, with little or no freedom of choice"
- T.I. Rubin M.D




Sometimes the inside does not match the outside;

On the surface I am a happy, fufilled, fun-loving young woman that has a zest for life.
In reality, I live a driven, pain-filled life, It would seem that I freely choose to live this way.

The things that are killing me now,
are things that I so unawarely do to myself.

I act out every decision of my life immediatley and impulsively without consideration of the consequences.

I bear invisable scars that hurt still, just enough, so that I look for "ease of pain" in all of the wrong places.

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of humankind.

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.

I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of people.
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.

I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.


This has been my life;
and I have found it worth living.

You are the dark ocean bottom, and I am the fast sinking anchor. Should I fall for you?

I can't help but feel like this is probably a bad idea. But tonight I found myself truly smiling again. It was legitimate. And it felt good.





"You can't fall out of love with someone, until you fall into something else."

I don't know how true that statement is, but I think I'm willing to find out.

Ode to the nice girl.

This is my tribute to the nice girls.

To the nice girls who are overlooked. Who become friends and nothing more. Who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong.

This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date. Who don't want to play mind games. Who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times.

This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either. For the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe.. Maybe this time he'll have understood.

This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention.

This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds."

This is to honour those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt.

This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This is for the girls who have to pretend it doesn't hurt because she knows that even though her friends say "you're better off without him" or "he doesn't deserve you", she knows that their words were from the heart, but they don't mend hers.

This is for the girl who poured her heart into something hoping he'd realize how much he meant to her and how much she meant to him, only to discover that she meant nothing to him all along.

This is for the girl who had followed her heart, threw away her inhibitions, thought she had triumphed over all the obstacles, only to find out that her Prince Charming had returned to his "ex-princess".

This is for all the nights she listened to every song they heard together, replayed all the times he told her he loved her, looked at every picture they had together, and thought if only she could figure out the exact moment she lost him.

This is for all the times she had told herself to be strong and let it go, only to find herself calling her bestfriend at 3 in the morning to tell her she thinks she's going crazy because he won't get out of her mind.

This is for all the bestfriends who never faltered to try and pick up their friends from off the floor to give them a hug they know they need.

This is for the countless nights they stayed up together trying to find an explanation for a "true love" gone wrong. This is for how bad it hurt coming up with no conclusion.

This is for the girl who swore to never let anyone hurt her that bad again, only to find herself falling for someone who poured salt on that wound.

For the girl who needed someone there for her after a bad break up, only to discover that months into it, he had hurt her and used her more than she had been with the previous.

This is for the many times he had walked back into her life and left, just as quick.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.

This is for the ' I really like you, so let's still be friends ' comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended.
This is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those who make you cry yourself to sleep.

This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy.

This is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that night, the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something.

This is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted.

This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little, and who have learned never to expect anything more.
For the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over his ex, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room, him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made.

Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games that girls love to keep them hanging.

Yet men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, compelling, interesting, intelligent, sweet and beautiful and smart girls.. Were you to give her your number and wait for her to call.. And if you were to receive a call from her the next day, and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting, and worth her time, and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend; Would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the ' stalker child ' you'd met the night prior? Who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth?

And would or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this 'nice girl' who you just cannot seem to find?

Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere.

But you're not looking for a nice girl.

You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the look out for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take.

Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing-- we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing:
"This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a tee-shirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hung-over best friend breakfast. See through my disguise. See me."

You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances.

You don't want the nice girl... So don't say you're looking for a relationship. Relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend-- but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running, they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy targets... The nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that race to watch and all the chocolate we can eat.

You know who you are.

I find it extremely pathetic that creating drama just so happens to be your favourite past time.
Like I said, just keep my name out of your mouth and we will have no problem.
I know that seems impossible, but I assure you.. It isn't!

You claim that you're so sick of everyone involving you in their drama, yet you fail to realize that you (and you alone) involve yourself.
And no matter how far I go to try and avoid you, somehow word always gets back to me that once again, you're running your mouth.
Just incase you didn't understand when I said this the first time: The world doesn't revolve around you, and you have no right to go and try to make someone else's personal affairs your own.
Not only does my life not concern you, I have made it clear that I do not want you to be a part of it. It would be awesome if you could respect my wishes and go fuck yourself!

You are the most annoying person I have ever met, and at this point I want to rip your face off.







In conclusion, please disappear.
The sight of you actually makes me want to throw up.

I can't be your prisoner.

When you said you loved me, did you really love me or did the words just spill out like drool on my pillow? ‘Cause I was naked when you said those words, but I felt covered in your whispered worship. And as you passed out fast on my shoulder, I imagined a child waiting so sad and still for his mom to arrive. Did she leave you an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? Said, “ Don’t you move a muscle, kid, I’ll be back in twenty years,” You were scared, you were lonely, but you must’ve been aware; life is a series of calluses, this is just another layer. So, build’em up, tough it out, yeah, that’s your skin – don’t let anyone under there.

When you said you needed me, did you really need me or was it just someone – oh, you’d take anything. Am I first on that list of yours, or am I second, or third? So, who’s that ahead of me, some harlot from Pittsburgh? Or Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego? I know you’re so alone, but how much affection does one guy really need?

Did you date a lot in high school? Were you always chasing girls? Couldn’t you find some young valentine to steal your heart for good? Were you content, or contemptible? Are your memories pleasant, or is it a string of endless flings of bitter resentment. Seems that what you want and what you need doesn’t mean a thing, we’re just here for the taking.

When you said you’d hurt me, did you think you hurt me? Are you really that cocky? Oh, what a heartbreaker! Well, I’ve got my armor – yeah, I’ve been through some battles before – and I met your old girlfriend, she said, “Baby, don’t bother.” She told me you told her you’d hurt her….funny, how familiar. So, how much of this relationship was rehearsed?

Did you act out as a child? Were you always crying wolf? Attention-starved, you tried too hard to get someone to look. Now you’re the wolf in second-hand clothing; I’m the sheep in a pleated skirt. It’s an awkward form of payback, but if it works for you – it works. It’s that I recognize your off-white lies, still, I lie beside you – and that’s what really hurts.

When you said you’d leave me…well, why haven’t you left me? What are we still doing here, so desperate for company? There’s a greyhound on Jackson Street, there’s an airport in Council Bluffs…hell, there’s a car in the driveway – fifty ways to get lost.

But as I hold you and listen to you sleeping, I’m starting to wonder if I really believe that you’d ever really leave. Would you leave me an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? The one you’ve lugged around from town to town for all these years.

It’s the trophy of your childhood, like a shark’s tooth or gator skin boots – but this one holds you prisoner – it holds me prisoner too.

What we need to set us free is to let go of each other – let go of everything.

When I said I loved you, it was because I loved you. When I said I needed you, well, I really need you. Yeah, I guess you hurt me, for once you’re a man of your words. Well, guess what – I’m leaving – I can’t be your prisoner.

FYI.

I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career.

I've got a perfectly normal heart. Bruised and broken from within.

Sometimes I wonder if anything is absolute anymore.
Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies?
Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey?
Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, because we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill




I honestly wonder if the truth even exists anymore. It seems to me, that people will only say the things they think you want to hear.
But I have come to realize just how destructive false hope can be.
It ruins romances, friendships, relationships. Anything you might have held so dear to you.
And it sucks.
To hang on someone's every word only to realize that their verson of the "truth" really was just negotiable, left to interpretation, grey.
This all seems like a bad case of Deja Vu.
I wish things didn't work out this way.
But my heart doesn't deserve to feel so broken.

Insomnia.

I hate how I can never seem to fall asleep at a decent hour.
Perhaps it's because my head is constantly full of questions. Questions to which I long for answers.
They say ignorance is bliss, but I'm really not so sure.










I'm afraid I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep to themselves for good reason.
Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you?
Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them?
It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to.

- Henry Rollins

First

I'm new at this.
But lately I seem to have far too much on my mind..